Chris Attoh and the Entitlement Mentality of African Men

with 52 Comments

Chris Attoh and the Entitlement Mentality of African Men!

 

I stumbled on a news story where Mr. Chris Attoh who recently announced his separation or divorce from his wife made some statements concerning his failed marriage.

 

As a person who has studied the subject of relationship success, and how to build a happy and long-lasting marriage, I feel compelled to reply. Before I continue to ramble, in case you haven’t read the statement accredited to him. Here is it:

 

“A woman who does not submit to the husband and trust his instinct is not going to be successful in marriage. I think that we have forgotten the fundamentals of marriage. When you love someone, it’s important to be able to forgive, respect and submit. As a woman, you need to trust the captain of the ship. It’s truly important if you want peace in your home.”

 

“If you are a Christian, it is your bible that will take you through your wedding days. Everything happens for a reason. I have a beautiful baby boy, a wealth of experience and a lot of work to do.”

 

Before we ask a woman to submit. We must ask for the origin of that suggestion. Obviously, it’s from the bible and he has rightly hinted that when he said: “If you are a Christian…” When the woman was asked to submit in that verse of scripture, we conveniently forget to recall that the man was asked to love and die for her. Yes, that’s the complete Bible.

 

I am not privy to the hidden secrets of their marriage but Mr. Chris’s statement may reek of entitlement mentality. A prevailing philosophy by many men in my generation. “When a woman is submissive to a man, that marriage will be successful”.

 

This is a fallacy that needs to stop. It is not the 9 – 5 job of a woman to make her marriage work while the man treats it like a side hustle. The success of ANY marriage is a full-time job for both the man and the woman. It takes a man that is ready to die for her and a woman that is ready to submit to such a die-hard man.

 

When you make mistakes as a man and your woman is finding it hard to forgive you. It’s not because she forgot the need to be submissive. It’s because, just like you made a mistake, she hasn’t learned to master her emotions and let go of the hurt you caused her. She probably wouldn’t be in that shape had it not been your mistake. This goes both ways.

 

I have constantly poised in my teachings that anybody can be married but not anyone can build a Happy and Longlasting marriage. With all due respect sir, this is basically what that ‘submit’ verse was talking about – ‘If you are not ready to die for her, you are not eligible for a marriage that is Happy and Longlasting.’

 

I have never met Miss Damilola Adegbite and I am certain that she has her flaws just like you. She may even be the one with ‘bigger troubles’. However, if I will respond in the same manner you made that statement, here is what I would say, “when a woman believes a man can literally die for her, she would hold on to him forever. Submission will never be a problem”

 

A great mind said, “When people feel loved, it is easier for them to listen.” and I couldn’t agree more.

 

To every man out there who is shying away from taking responsibility for the success or failure of their relationship or marriage, you need to answer these questions:

 

Have you loved her enough?

 

Does she feel like she’s the most important person to you?

 

Have you lived in such a way that she can vouch for you?

 

Have you been 100% committed to her and her success?

 

Do you often ask her to make more sacrifices than you have shown willingness to make?

 

Can you die for her?

 

Until all your answers to these questions are in the affirmative, you have no right to demand submission. If she gives you, great, she’s a developed woman and if she doesn’t, understand that she’s just in the same phase you are in – ignorant!

 

Mr. Legend is a relationship expert who is passionate about the subject of Happy and Long-Lasting marriage. He believes that only the High-Value Partner can build such marriage. Follow on IG: @OlatunjiLegend

52 Responses

  1. Ini
    | Reply

    I find your viewpoint interesting, Mr. Legend. We really need to go back to the Bible.

  2. Tosin
    | Reply

    True!!! Thank you for this Mr Legend. I hope our men folk.

  3. Melody
    | Reply

    African men really need to examine the Bible’s teachings to understand that it is their duty first to love their wives wholly in order to expect submission from them.

  4. Juliana
    | Reply

    Very true. However, how well did you know he hasn’t done more than enough to prove himself worthy. Perhaps, it’s the woman’s issue to submit. Most women struggle with that, not bcos the man hasn’t loved them, but they were not brought up to submit. With independent women going around these days…… well, only God knows the real issue, but I see quite a lot on social media that makes me put two and two together. Never pointing fingers, but submission is essential. I still struggle with that personally

    • nana kofi
      | Reply

      Well spoken

    • Chris
      | Reply

      Good point Juliana.
      Making a significant progress lies in ones ability to recognize ones own faults rather than pointing fingers for solutions.

      Great

      • Katie
        | Reply

        He didn’t do any such thing. He even acknowledged that he doesn’t know their personal situation. But this guy – while slamming his wife for not being submissive or not – certainly didn’t mention loving her the way the Bible intended. It seems that some of you are upset that the author isn’t slamming the woman while leaving the man unexamined.

    • Eve
      | Reply

      Oya come chop hug Juliana. It hurts a lot to see such a beautiful couple fall apart. Taking unsubstantiated sides and apportioning blames based on one person’s utterances is simply unfair. I don’t think anyone has the right to judge either of them without sitting them down and listening to both sides of the story.

      Until then please open your bible, read a verse and pray for all marriages. Marriage is tough.

  5. Naomi
    | Reply

    Thank you Mr. Legend for this wonderful piece, in our society were most men feel because they are men, their wife should accept whatever they throw at her and make the marriage work…..
    I hope every man can go to the basis and see marriage as sacred and something they need to put in their best to build up with love, passion, sacrifice, selflessness, commitment and above all prayerfully….
    Thank you for the insight Mr. Legend.

  6. Ade
    | Reply

    If a man truly loves a man a d I mean truly, everything else will just fall into place. You can’t give what you don’t have

  7. Ade
    | Reply

    If a man truly loves a woman and I mean truly, everything else will just fall into place. You can’t give what you don’t have

  8. Regina
    | Reply

    Wow, thanks very much for this awesome piece Mr Legend.
    We need to go back to our Bible

  9. Nana
    | Reply

    The thing is, it’s not whose duty it is first to do what in marriage but it’s about reverence to Christ. In fact the wife is tasked to submit in Ephesians 5:22 before the husband is instructed to love the wife in verse 25. But in verse 21 of sample book and chapter, speaking to both husband and wife, it states; “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. So husband don’t wait for wife’s submission before you demonstrate love and lead her as the head of the family. Likewise, wife, don’t wait for husband’s undying love before you submit. Do your duty as it’s required of you due to reverence to Christ and Christ alone. God’s standards are always high so don’t look up to your spouse before you do as it’s required of you by God.

    • Bonuba
      | Reply

      Thank you Nana! My thoughts exactly! It doesn’t really matter who does it first: submission or loving. Once you’re in a marriage, man or wife, do your part wholly. Just as the same book of life says ” in all that you do, do it with all your might and strength ”
      And always keeping in mind that Christ is the head.

  10. Naa
    | Reply

    Too much sauce in this article!! There’s nothing more upsetting than a man demanding so much from a woman when he himself doesn’t perform his responsibilities, how do you expect her to be submissive when you’ve not shown her love in a way that she can blossom.

    • Esh
      | Reply

      Agrees with you… But when a man does everything he should and the woman sits back and keep demanding without putting in the basics…. “Houston we got a problem”

  11. William from Ghana
    | Reply

    A very excellent exposition and a response. Quite often, some men especially from African, feel women owe them submission forgetting that it is a response to love. The two are intertwined and any attempt to separate impacts negatively. One triggers the other. Chris’ response as unfortunate and he needs to learn.

  12. Kweku Gyewu
    | Reply

    i believe there is a sequence to what is said in Ephesians 5:21 onwards

    Verse: 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
    22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
    23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
    25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

    As any christian knows, “our submission and love” for the Lord is not conditional. And so I do not believe a man ought to love the wife first in order to get submission in return or submit first to get loved. they must both submit to one another out of reverence for Christ and love and submit as we do for the Lord to get a successful marriage.

    • Ggirl
      | Reply

      You said it all. Marriage is commitments and hard work by both parties(husband and wife) , with the determination to make each other happy…. What we see these days are selfishness, deceit and lies with so many dirty baggages carried into marriage. God help us to perform our duties as couples to glorify you and honor each other in Jesus name amen.

  13. cathy
    | Reply

    Thank you!! you couldn’t have said it any better.

  14. Appiah Kwabena Emmanuel
    | Reply

    Hahahaha eei women of today demanding love love love before they submit. My question to such women is that if he didn’t love you would he have married you in the first place. So if a man’s love leads him to marry you and expect you to be submissive, you are here telling men that we should cut our heads on table for them to now show we love our wives. So then can you interpret for me what existed between the two before they got married?. Please if a man marries you as a women to his home there is nothing to prove to you again with regards to love then for you to submit to him so he can love you the more. Why are we making the world woman centred world and destroying it?.

    • Jae
      | Reply

      errrrm d article was written by a man,not a woman…..he is called mr legend not miss legend

    • Brenda
      | Reply

      Marriage to a woman is not a gift, it is a sacrifice , duty and obligation. The relationship you have with your partner, the human intereation is what keeps the spouses together. If the relationship does not keep the partners wanting to share their lives with each other, it is not worth the effort. Marriage is conducted between 2 persons, it is not the husband that takes a wife, but 2 persons that take each other to wed one another.

    • Ed
      | Reply

      You may want to recognise that not all men (or people for that matter) marry because they “love”. Men and people in general marry for all sorts of reasons. So your first point saying “if he didn’t love you would he have married you in the first place” is flawed!

  15. Real Man
    | Reply

    Only weak lazy men demand entitlement. Real men jaw jaw to find a halfway win win outcome with their partners.

  16. Selassie Caesar
    | Reply

    Mr Legend,

    Why pick on Chris Attoh?
    How does his short statement give a full view of the intricacies of the relationship between himself n his wife for you to make such judgemental conclusions about him?

    The fact that he did not speak about loving his wife as Christ loves the church does not mean he did not love his wife.

    Why would you, such an accomplished marriage counsellor, want to drag somebody’s private affairs into the public domain? When u have no clue of what the details of the cause of their separation?
    Is it not hard enough for the couple to be dealing with this already making news headlines? Did you have to rub it in?

    Now how does the Bibles’ prescription for marriage become an ‘Entitlement Mentality of African Men’?
    What issues do you have with African men? Are all other races of men, better at fulfilling this requirement than African men?

    Fact is, there are men who do not love their wives like Christ loves the church. Likewise, there are also women who do not submit to their husbands like the church is supposed to submit to the leadership of Christ.
    No gender, men or women have been faultless in fulfilling this.

    So why do you single out Chris Attoh and use him as a (faulty) standard; because you know little about his story and use it lash out at African men without a cause, Just because you can?

    I believe sound counselling is offered to mend broken relationships and where the damage is beyond repair, when both parties are unwilling to make peace, at least help throw light on the issues that are misunderstood and come to a compromise.

    • MrLegend
      | Reply

      Hello Selassie,

      This article is not intended at debasing African men or defaming Mr Chris.

      No where in this article will you find any degrading words hurled at him. I never even said he was at fault.

      As a man myself, I understand the psychology of many men in my generation because I have interacted with them. Then, as a relationship expert, I know these things as well.

      This article seeks to help both the man and the woman understand one thing – if our marriage would work, we must both do the work.

      This article speaks to both Mr Chris and Miss Damilola while it also speaks to every man and every woman.

      Now, many people’s reaction to it is based on what they think I said or what they choose to take from the article. It’s actually a message for every two lovers in the world.

      Hopefully, I will come around to writing one directed specifically to the woman as well.

      Thank you for your comment.

  17. Marion
    | Reply

    For me he should have try to work things out before thinking about any decisions, because no one is perfect in this world,it still not late to start all over again Chris she is your wife,try to make things work for the child.may his grace continue to bless you both.

  18. ama
    | Reply

    Amazing piece .

  19. Elizabeth Abaka -Wood
    | Reply

    The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. If African men will fear God and serve Him well, they will learn to love their wives and respect them and their wives will authomatically submit to them. As a man, you cannot do whatever you like when married in the name of ” i am the man” and expect your wife to submit to you. It is the responsibility of both Man and wife to make the marriage work.

  20. Masterpiece
    | Reply

    Spot on!!! Most men believe making marriage works is only the responsibility of the women.

  21. Esh
    | Reply

    As an African, If you date a lady that has a preconceptions about African men being controlling, don’t waste your time marrying her. She’ll always play the controlling card when things don’t go her way. Most African men enjoy being the authority figure in the home and they exhibit these signs from the inception of courtship/dating, if you feel uncomfortable from the beginning move on. The funny thing is a smart woman would use that to her advantage, all you’ve to do is stroke his ego and make him feel important just for a minute and.. he is all yours… Lol.

    Now the issue is some American women(all races*) come from homes with no father figure, they don’t understand what it means for a man to have the final say, they didn’t see their moms act submissive or appropriately to a father figure in a loving and progressive way mostly in times of strives. All they saw was the struggles of independence from their single parents. Insecurities, daddy-issues and poor judgements skills is often the case with these types of women.

    Finally, the African man is mostly timid, proud and full of ego…. All these is closely related to thier upbringing, culture, hardworking skill, education and relative successes. Yet they’re generous, forgiving, kind, happy; they make good partnership and good parents too. A smart woman of any race would use all of the above to her advantage and settledown.

    Remember in any relationship you get what you put in. My advice to all…..”Never marry anyone that has nothing to loss”…. Biggly waste of time. Lol

    • Fem Jef
      | Reply

      There’s no such thing as “having the final say”. That’s not the job of a man – and I’m a man that grew up in a home with a father of the “old stock”. The success comes when there’s no one who’s opinion is essentially a veto of the others’.

  22. Dami
    | Reply

    Abraham wasn’t ‘willing’ to die for Sarah when they visited Gerar and Egypt respectively (Gen 12 and Gen 20) where he feared for his own life not minding what the King might have done to Sarah. Yet, Sarah obeyed… 1 peter 3:6

    Maybe this ‘problem’ have been for a long time…

    Nice article though unbalanced.

  23. Nosa
    | Reply

    The writer is more guilty than the person he is judging. He has judged without knowing the facts. You do not go into a marriage to compete. You go into a marriage to give. You do not wait and say she needs to submit, neither should you wait to find out if he will love. Just give. That is why marriage is not for kids nor for the selfish nor for the spiritually ignorant.

  24. Vocus
    | Reply

    An Obedient wife rules the husband.

  25. […] Few days ago, I shared my perspective on the statements made by an actor whose marriage failed and amidst the applause, I got a few clap backs or should I call it backlash? You can follow the story here if you haven’t read it. […]

  26. Kofifi
    | Reply

    Mr. Legend, Chris was answering a question from a woman who wanted to know how a marriage can last longer. sometimes when issues like this is being written about, the full story is not brought out. If anything, Chris only said what he thought women should do to make their marriages work. i believe if the caller to the show had been a man, the answer would have been different.

  27. Petrov
    | Reply

    “Can two people come together unless they agree?”…Quoting the Bible, that was the question I poised to a priest asking me to settle with ex-wife.

    I disagree with Mr. Legend…and it would have been better if you’d a one-on-one conversation with the two people before focusing on Chris Attoh’s statement. You’ld be surprised to know that what actually transpired is deeper than your focus(Submission) & might have learnt more even though you’re an ‘expert'(no one knows all).

    So lotta issues in marriage & relationship.

    Many of us men tried to hold on but everything seem ‘heavy’ & ‘crazy’..so much more than we can carry and realised that if we let go we gonna be ‘free’.

    Some years ago I do ask and wonder why some people committed suicide…I almost did same too because of what ‘Society’ thinks…I freed myself from that ‘Societal shackles’ the moment I screamed “Fuck the World”! Yes! Regardless of what society thinks ima live my life because I am accountable to no one but God!

  28. Kakes
    | Reply

    Awesome Article. Everyone has a role to play and a responsibility to shoulder.

  29. Akin
    | Reply

    I am baffled as to why many people think this article is meant to defame Mr Chris. In clarity, the writer is actually dealing with the issue of ‘the African Man and his sense of entitlement’.

    A lot of people actually feel entitled (both men and women) but we can take a que from God whilst demonstrating what His God-love ought to be like. An
    instance showing us a model is found in 1 John 4:10 “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us first… For a marriage to succeed, you must have that initiative taking approach first. Say to yourself, I will apologize first, I will love first, I will compromise first, I will give in first. When you humble yourself in such a way, your life and marriage can only be exalted.

    Also, 1 Corinthians 13 tells us true love never fails. My simple interpretation of this as a believer is that failure is not an option. I will never accept that my partner is not right for me. I will keep at this marriage until it works. And work beautifully. This approach also eliminates that sense of entitlement. Making up your mind that there is only one option for your marriage will lead you down a part of genuine sacrifice.

  30. Boateng
    | Reply

    Thank you for your piece Mr Legend! I appreciate your effort so much.
    But I find your write-up racial, bias and quite judgemental, even though some amount of what you’ve said are true. Why African Men? This is not right! And I think you should explain why you specifically refer to African Men.

    There’s nothing wrong when a man becomes conscious of his place in the marriage, as the head of the home. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Would you criticize, if it was the woman who was conscious of the love she’d receive from her husband? I don’t think so. So why is it always negative with the man? I think you should consider that.

    In the Bible, God didn’t give those two sacred command to be obeyed on conditions. Whether the wife submits or fails to do, the husband must love and “give himself like Christ gave himself for the church”, and whether the man loves or fails to do, the woman must “submit just as the church is subject to Christ, the head”, Ephesians 5:22-28, and this is contrary to what you’re trying to teach. Both parties should understand that, they obey those commands to please God, not their spouse, so it’s not a “tit-for-tat” affair, or “you do, I do” thing. It’s about pleasing God without looking at the other person (may sound difficult to do, but that’s the truth, and God can provide grace to accomplish that wholeheartedly)

    Also it seems you’re trying to insinuate that the man should love his wife, and then the woman will submit in return. I find this to be faulty as well. Wherever the order of marriage is spoken about in the Bible, it is clear that God gives the command first to the woman to submit, before He commands the man to love (ref. Ephesians 5:22-28, 1 Peter 3:1-7). In everything, there’s a starting point. Just as it wasn’t an accident for God to form the man first before the woman (1 Timothy 2:13), I believe it’s no mistake this way too (this is seen in scripture, not my own opinion).

    In conclusion, I’d say that we should endeavor to interpret the Bible just as it teaches, and be very objective with issues. There’s no need to try fit in this “feminist world” by making unbalanced claims to please the masses.
    Thank you!

    • Fem Jef
      | Reply

      I find your comment – respectfully- rather absurd. Do you interprete scripture as placing an obligation on one but not the other? Do you really believe that Christ intended for wives to remain “submissive” even if it involved extreme “lack of love” including violence and abuse? Not saying that happened here but your interpretation could extend to this.

      In the end, we are human. No man can remain in love if they don’t have love in return over a long enough period.

  31. Vincent
    | Reply

    Mr Legend

    As much as you tried to obviate the fact that your focus of discuss on the prevailing issue was not directed at the African man’s mentality on the bible’s fundamentals,but it is obvious your communique states the opposite.
    Your response to one of the commentators was defensive,cause your initial communication portrayed a sentimental view.
    The matters of marriage must be addressed holistically and must be dispassionate.
    As a counsellor you need to be very careful when responding to the issues of marriage cause it’s very sensitive,and no ONE MAN can say they have the full knowledge about this institution except the WORD of GOD and it must me extensively explored with great understanding before applying it to any situation of marriage.
    The principles of a successful marriage is in the bible and until each party whole heartedly plays their part they cannot eat the fruits there of.
    Remember GOD is no respecter of any man
    Whatever a man sows he shall reap!

  32. Tracy
    | Reply

    Amazing piece! I couldn’t agree more

  33. Ama Amoako-Yeboah
    | Reply

    The greatest motive of love is SACRIFICE . For God so love the world that he gave his only son that whoever believeth in him will not perish, but have everlasting life. God gave his son to regain his lost relationship with man and man has to render his life to Christ to have that fellowship with God. Marriage is comparable to this , it takes a lots of sacrifices from both the man and the woman, as well as being under the submission of Christ. It is rather unfortunate, but they all need to move on not to throw tantrums at each other.

  34. […] post entitled, Chris Attoh and the Entitlement mentality of African Men” by  Gabriel Olatunji-Legend reiterated one of the points that I usually make whenever I […]

  35. sunny
    | Reply

    Feminimism?? Women of substance?? Gender equality?? I want to make decisions in the home?? is it because i am a woman?? Too much inferiority complex,
    where are we heading with all of these? What do women really want? Broken homes?? To be head of the home?
    …… U want a husband that you can control, please get a sisi so you can push his head to any direction that you want. Better still get a gay partner so you guys can be really equal on every aspects. You can even marry a white or an American.
    Please stay away from African men if you want these because we run regular homes where a man is the head and he is committed to providing, loving, caring and making his home work. we don’t come in that western specification that you asking for and that’s why We are able to keep our homes for a life time in most cases. We have our excesses too just as African women does.
    remember if u divorce an African man possesses a don’t get married to another. He will only work with you for a while before resetting to his authentic mode. I mean the real African man mode.
    This western idea has failed globally so good luck to men and women that want to be victim of western ways of life that don’t work. How can the same people that is ok with men marrying men teach me anything about marriage? Na wa o!
    The old way…….. is my way because it works.

    • Lily Chic
      | Reply

      Dear Entitled African Man Mr Sunny,

      The old way does not and never has worked. You like the status quo because it favors you. History has shown that it never worked. We all have damaged mothers and grandmothers who kept quiet and died inside. That is not a marriage, that is a prison!

      If you are looking for people to imprison and give instructions to while you maltreat them, become a jail house master. Don’t marry a woman and then imprison her under the guise of the old way.

      The western way never failed, majority of failed marriages in the western world is caused by infidelity from men. Women have their issues but how many men are truly God fearing? Listen and apply to the words of the Bible?

      The African man does not have a clue how to love a woman or to truly be a husband. There are only a handful of good men who are good examples and show no entitlement.

      You are not entitled to anything, in life you only get out of a marriage what you put in. Marriage is a box!

      You want to be irresponsible but you expect trust and submission. No woman wants to repeat history. We want to live better live than our mothers, break out of the prisons forced on us by tradition not the Bible. The Bible says your wife is a helper and partner not your slave.

      African men need better role models and women need to start valuing themselves more.

      Dear African Woman,

      You were born to live a happy life. You were born to experience life, and the love of a good man. Don’t believe the lies. Marriage is not meant to hurt! Though you have been asked to submit, you are not his slave and you deserve his respect and considerations. Do the best you can but do not sacrifice yourself. You only get one life, use it wisely. Your daughters are watching, teach them better.

  36. […] a recent article where I addressed a statement made by Chris Attoh concerning his divorce, many men accused me of being biased and I will reiterate here again – the success of a home […]

  37. JKL
    | Reply

    To just judge African men out of ignorance is unfortunate and highlights strongly the level of inexperience of the writer.

  38. […] READ ALSO: Chris Attoh and the Entitlement Mentality of African Men […]

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