Why Tiwa Savage may be right or wrong on who is the head of the home
In a recent interview with OAP Toolz, Tiwa Savage made a statement she admitted would be controversial.
“I know I’ll ruffle a few feathers but I also don’t think men and women are equal, I don’t think that’s how God created us that way… especially in the household anyway.
“So I think as females when we realize that yeah we can be strong in our career, but when we are home we have to realize that the man is the head of the house.”
I do not have a problem with Tiwa Savage but I have a problem with many people’s understanding of ‘head of the house’. I read it and believed it was her opinion and as long as it’s working for her and her home, it’s nobody’s business. My problem with people’s understanding of this statement can be seen in this reaction from actor Seun Sean Jimoh’s post:
Tiwa savage said the man is the head of the home, some people are abusing her. anyone who thinks otherwise has no business getting married or being in a proper heterosexual relationship, the fact that you are a successful woman doesn't mean you shouldn't cook or clean , it is no excuse, I have successful women around me and they cook great, in time and as a duty. A respected husband is always a better husband, you can argue and fight all you want about this issue on social media, but the reality is the reality , a woman that cannot respect and acknowledge that her husband is the head has no business getting married and if she does should not be shocked if she eventually has to leave the marriage sooner or later . A disrespected man will either beat you or leave you except the man has no value in himself. we will talk about the man another day.
The problem I have with his view and many other African men is that they are clear about the ‘duties’ they believe a woman should carry out while failing to highlight clearly the duties the man is to carry out.
I won’t argue the authenticity of being the head or tail. Everyone should be old enough to seek the ideology that will make their relationship or marriage successful. This head ideology persists mainly because many of us don’t understand what it means to be the head.
We think a man should provide while the woman does everything else and still provide. I think it is an abuse of ‘headship’. Being a man does not automatically confer on you the headship if you are not ready to take the lead.
Please do not confuse headship and respect. I can call you “Uncle” but still insult you. If the man deserves respect, the woman deserves it as well. The challenge is that the man and the woman often interpret respect differently.
The concept of headship comes from two places, culture, and religion. For modern day youths like myself, it comes from religion. This is sad because many of us misinterpreted this. We choose the bible story that appeals more to our whims. We ask the woman to cook like Sarah did to Abraham. We ask the man to provide and call him an infidel if he can’t.
As a Christian husband myself, I provide and as a Christian husband, I cook. As a Christian husband, I sweep and as a Christian husband, I do the dishes. Being the head of the home does not make everyone else in the home your slave. It means you should make more sacrifices than everyone else.
This is what Christ demonstrated to his own wife (the church) when he died. The other apostles encouraged you and I to love our wives like Christ did. A woman you can die for, you must or should be able to cook for.
Based on this, it is not the recommended job of a woman to cook neither is it the recommended job of a man to provide. Although, our society has programmed and taught the woman how to cook while the man flexes his muscle – Blame the society. It doesn’t make it right. Both the man and woman can cook and provide to make their marriage work. No one has the exclusive responsibility to either of these things.
What happens when the man loses his job? What happens when the woman earns much more than the man? What happens when the man is a better cook than the woman? What happens when the man has more time on his hands than the woman? What happens when you are both rich enough to hire a cook?
We need to rethink the concept of headship in marriage. I don’t care if you feel entitled to it as a man as long as you don’t shy away from the corresponding responsibilities – giving your life!
So, who should cook, wash or show respect? We both should. If I am not good with cooking and she’s better at it, she can do it. I should appreciate her for it. If he earns more, provides more and you don’t, love and support him. You are both helping your dynasty. You can decide on who should carry out certain duties based on who’s available, skilled, willing and strong enough. These things can be negotiated; It’s a joint decision. You are not Lord as a man and the other slave. The only Lord I know gave his own life for his wife. You should do the same.
In a recent article where I addressed a statement made by Chris Attoh concerning his divorce, many men accused me of being biased and I will reiterate here again – the success of a home is NOT in the hands of the woman; it’s in the hands of both the woman and the man.
When one of you fail on your part, it becomes an unbalanced wheel that puts undue pressure on the other person – the result often times is break-ups or perpetual unhappiness for the other person while you flex.
Who is the head of the home? Why should I make that decision for you? Is it my home? It’s your home but if you claim ownership of the head, please take responsibility for the mouth, the nose, the eyes, the neck and other parts of the body.
One of the greatest Family Life Practitioner I know, Praise Fowowe said “Your family is your nation. When each of you work in your nation, you are not helping the other person but helping your nation” (paraphrased). So, when you cook as a man, you are not helping your wife but your nation. When you sweep as a man, you are not helping your wife but your nation. When you don’t cook or don’t love like you should, you are obviously defying your nation and my friend, that is treason – choose your own judgement.
Can marriage be successful? Yes, I believe this absolutely but it takes two people who are eligible for marriage, who are ready to discard old beliefs and unsuccessful systems, and who are ready to die for each other in order to make their marriage work.
Mr. Legend is a relationship expert who is passionate about the subject of Happy and Long-Lasting marriage. He believes that only the High-Value Partner can build such marriage. Follow on IG: @OlatunjiLegend